* Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.--Red Buttons

* Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window.--Steve Bluestone

* Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.--George Carlin

* I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.--Carol
Leifer

* The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.--Roger Simon

* I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.--Dave Edison

* Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.--Johnny Carson

* I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like
shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.--Jack Mayberry

* I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking
the locks, they are always locking three.--Elayne Boosler

* Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?--John Mendoza

* I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may
be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.--Jeff Stilson

* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is

suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown

* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get
rid
of the body before you do the wash.--Jerry Seinfeld

* I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.--Lily Tomlin

* Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my

fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner.--Lynda Montgomery

* Writing on a tombstone: "What are you looking at?" -- Caroline Simpson